A Season

Dusk is fading into darkness.  Fireflies dance in my backyard, and I cringe with each tiny twinkle as I watch from my bedroom window.  I can hardly make out where the grass meets the brush now, and in just moments, night will have finally fallen onto this emotional day.  I am exhausted and defeated; today's battles nobody won.  

I should sink into my bed with my head deep into my feather pillow and my down comforter pulled up and tucked around my neck.  I should count sheep until I fall asleep and then hope I dream of nothing so that my wandering mind can actually rest.  I should forget about writing and complaining and draining my thoughts into this post as if anyone will really care or relate b/c let's face it - everyone has their own battles and no one needs to give a shit about mine.

Except that maybe someone out there is feeling the same way I feel and maybe she will stumble upon my blog through a series of clicks and read about my heartbreak and be able to make some sort of sense out of her own simply by knowing she isn't alone.

So I give you the truth about what is happening these days.

I am in a season of what feels like hopelessness.  The demands of adulthood are all too real and present and I am half-assing every obligation I have b/c there are too many to count and keep up with.  Friendships neglected, marriage a mess, bills out of control, house a tornado, work unmanageable and then the worst part, my children unstable.  I'm not really sure if "unstable" is the right word to describe them though.  It just seems like the end result.

My sweet baby boy is turning into a monster.  He and his sister have been controlling our family. They make the rules, they call the shots, they set the pace and they run the show! Somehow, in the midst of all the craziness that consumes us, we have forgotten who is in charge.

After months of whining and tantrums and meltdowns and freak-outs every time they don't get their way, we finally adopted a "no second chances" policy. Well, let me tell you how that is going so far. TERRIBLY.

We give an inch, he takes a mile.  We say 10 minutes til bedtime, he tries to negotiate for 20.  We say don't throw that, so he throws something else and it hits me.  We say no, he does it anyway.  So we take away this and we take away that, and we shoot consequence after consequence and he literally laughs at us on his way into crying and then that transitions into a full blown fight scene.  Trying to get him to his room, we have to drag him kicking and screaming the whole way.  Getting him into his bed is like wrestling an alligator.  When our patience finally runs out and we yell back and lose our own shit, he changes his tune to clingy and pitiful, begging us to stop being such "big meanies" and to give him another chance and listen to him say he's sorry, and meanwhile he is desperately trying to grab me and hug me and breathe my air and share my space when all I want is for him to leave me alone and not touch me b/c I am so fragile from the raw and overwhelming flood of emotions that I can't give him anymore of me for fear he will OWN me...and yet I take him in my arms and hold him and hug him and listen to him sob and sometimes sob with him, and then just like that I feel guilty, like a failure, like the worst parent in the world, and all he wants is for me to lay with him, and that's all I want too, but I can't b/c I said I wouldn't if he didn't brush his teeth when I asked him to the first time, and then it seems so ridiculous that all of this happened over brushing teeth, and I just drown in the sea of "how did we get here?" and "why is this happening?" And to think he is only 6 years old. 

Enter 3 year old sister: Monkey see, Monkey do.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

The battle ended with more scars than with which it began.  I just can't help but wonder if a night like tonight will be rooted into one of his "core memories," that he will draw upon this example for how to handle stress and conflict and anger and sadness, and Lord, help him if he continues down this jagged path.  I know it all too well, and it is the road less traveled; it is lonely here.  I know it b/c he is me made over into a 6 year old boy with electric green eyes, swollen, tear-stained cheeks, chapped pouty lips and an unbridled ability to become unhinged at the heart.  He is emotionally charged...and he gets it honest. He is his mother's son.

As a parent I want to give my children every opportunity to be successful in life. I want them to be loving and kind and helpful. I want to protect them and teach them and encourage them as they think and learn and grow...but this season is miserable.  It is summer and we should be outside catching fireflies, but I am inside, cooped up with my own feelings of failure and dwelling on the guilt I feel for taking away some of those opportunities, and they are in bed, with their salty eyes and puffy cheeks and shattered little spirits.  Why is it such a fine line between teaching a lesson and giving in?

And is it really so bad to give in???  I think of a dear friend who lost her son a few years ago and what she would give to go back to this season and relive it with her baby just for one more day.  I think of another friend who has yearned for a child of her own while I am complaining of the challenge mine brings.  I know thinking of their pain doesn't lessen my own struggle, but I am not naive to the fact that ultimately I have 2 beautiful, healthy children who are just going through one of life's many phases (Right, God?  Please tell me that a phase is ALL this is!).  

And yet my own heart breaks.  It breaks with every hurtful word my baby yells at me, with every push or punch or shove he pounds into me, with every tear he cries while glaring at me through squinted angry eyes. I am physically sick to my stomach, queasy at the playback in my mind.  I am caught between a rock and hard place b/c I need him to go to camp tomorrow so I can work, but I took camp away as a consequence tonight. My mistake...too bad owning up to this one is the equivalent of selling out, and alas, I am already trying to rationalize letting him earn it back so I can justify sending him.  Did I mention I am tired?

It is black outside now.  All I see is my own distorted reflection and the glare of the computer screen in my bedroom window.  The fireflies have long since stopped their flickering.  I am surrounded in my room by my many pets and it really is quite peaceful right now.  I almost feel a sense of relief just from spilling these words onto the page...with no filter, "The Zookeeper - Uncaged."  

I always tell my children I love them.  I make sure they know they can never do anything to make me love them any less.  Today Jack told me that his coach at camp would not allow them to watch a certain video during lunch b/c it had bad words in it like "the d-word and the s-word."  He said the d-word was "dang," but then a minute later he said "actually it was damnit."  I said, well I am glad your coach didn't let you watch it.  Sometimes Mommy says those words and I shouldn't say bad words so much.  He replied "yeah, but it doesn't make me love you any less."

How easily they forgive.  Maybe that will be my fool-proof way for him to earn back camp; just forgive him and start over.  Offer up a second chance.  Life is full of so many hard decisions. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't. Maybe my policy of "no second chances" is flawed, or maybe it just needs some fine print and an escape clause. The point is this: tomorrow, I am going to be outside at dusk, catching fireflies with my kids, in this short, but not so sweet season.      

Carefully catching fireflies last summer (2015)

The Buck Stops Here

Once again, I find myself extremely disturbed by something I saw today on Facebook. Social media, I love you and I hate you.  I realize it is not FB's fault that people do disgusting and horribly inappropriate things, but I'm shocked that a number of people who post these things are basically decent, normal, hard-working, family oriented people, and many of them are MY friends!?!? So why are they perpetuating the madness by "sharing" and "liking" horrific photos and videos?  Sharing something completely inappropriate is just ensuring it lives on, whether it be in the minds of those who see it or in the lives of those affected when it was originally happening.  

I need you to use your noggins here, folks.  I'm not talking about the funny Moms at Target videos, or the memes about needing wine to get through bedtime routines, or even the dry political comics about politicians caught in scandalous acts.  I do not care about the Steve Harvey and Miss Universe jokes (although I do feel sorry for him b/c I believe it WAS an honest mistake) or adult celebrities critiqued for their fashion sense on the red carpet.  I am not bothered in the slightest by a single cheesy "Keep Calm and Carry On" spoof.  

What I AM concerned about are videos or images of CHILDREN with sexual or degrading references.  I'll start with this example: I saw a video tonight of at least 20 young children ranging in age from maybe 2 to 12, each paired up, with a boy "dry humping" a girl "doggy style." The video focused in on maybe a 2 or 3YO boy with a 5 or 6YO girl and several children doing the same thing all around them.  In the background, there are adults present. This is child pornography, people. This video is sexually exploiting children, regardless of the fact that they have their clothes on. I'm sure many of my friends have seen it. Sadly, many of my social media "friends" have shared, commented on or even "liked" this viral video.  I'm so confused as to why we allow this to continue.

If someone posts a video or picture they created of young children acting out or posing in sexually explicit situations or while making sexual references, that person may be regarded as a "pedofile" and "pervert" receiving comments that call them out for just that. BUT...if someone SHARES that video with a post about how wrong or how terrible it is for those children, THAT person is somehow regarded as being more morally sound than the first one by expressing disapproval of the inappropriate content. I get it. The good guy wants to point out the bad guy. But doing so on a mostly public forum only perpetuates the problem by allowing more and more random people access to see those poor CHILDREN!  If you are really so disgusted, report it as inappropriate content on Facebook, or send it to the police for investigation, or contact an organization that advocates for children, or just discuss with your spouse how you will talk to your own kids about sex and violence and think about how you can keep them safe.  If you want your BFF to see it so you can both be horrified together, then share it privately, but don't tag them and post it on their Timeline for the world to see!  Yes, yes, I know.  Freedom of speech, expression, blah blah...but you don't have to show the actual video to sound off on your soapbox.  (This is my soapbox, see?)

There's more...   

I once saw a viral video of a young boy, maybe 8 to 10 years old in the backseat of a car, being taken to a counselor/psychologist against his will. The mother was driving, and it appeared and sounded like an older brother was taking the video from the front passenger seat and laughing.  The mother even questioned if the video was going on YouTube.  The little boy was screaming and yelling and flipping all around in his seat.  He was completely freaking out. His mother was calm, but she was firmly telling him he was grounded and combating his resistance with comments that may be considered patronizing and/or "adding fuel to the fire."  The little boy appeared desperate, highly distressed, ashamed, scared, angry, out of control, sad, lost, and certainly embarrassed. While this may not seem like it is inappropriate content b/c it is not sexual or graphic or containing obscenities, it is still capturing a CHILD in a most vulnerable circumstance in the middle of a highly sensitive situation and with little or no compassion or empathy for what anyone in the car may be going through in real life.  The comments on this video were horribly cruel.  Some people blamed the mother for the child's behavior saying this is how kids will turn out if spoiled or not disciplined. Others said what they would do to the boy if he were their child, like "beat his ass" or "put him down." Still, more people made comments directed at the little boy about how crazy, insane, screwed up, stupid, and "retarded" he was.  I even saw a comment suggesting his mother should have aborted him. My heart broke watching this video. My heart broke at the fact that this video exists. You see, I was that little boy once. When I was a kid, my mother once tricked me into getting into the car to take me to a counselor that I was determined not to see. I'll spare you the details of why I needed to go there in the first place, but let's just say, it wasn't b/c I was spoiled or crazy or retarded, and my big sister sat in the back and tried to comfort me kindly and keep the doors locked as I lost my ever-loving mind and even tried to hold my breath and pass out so I wouldn't have to go.  If you know me, you probably think I turned out alright, and if you don't know me and you are reading this, you will have to just take my word for it...or not...it doesn't matter.  The point is this: I cannot even imagine how I would have felt if my sister had filmed me in that most private family matter and showed it to all of her friends, who showed all their friends, who showed all my friends, who showed all their parents, who showed their kids' teachers, who showed their kids, who showed the baseball team, who showed...everyone.  It pains me to think about how that child will feel when he sees the video posted publicly, or when he reads those damaging comments.  He may have already been depressed or suicidal or even homicidal! The work he may have done in therapy could begin to unravel and the circumstances that put him there in the first place could destroy him further. All b/c of a video that was shared over 1.7 Million times. Childhood is hard and kids are mean enough already; why the hell are grown ups liking, sharing and commenting on that video too???  This particular video originated from a sight that exploits "shocking fights."  Really?  That leads me to my next point.  

I also feel very strongly against posting/sharing/liking cell phone videos of fights or violence. Come on, people. Please. Why give them more air time than they are worth?  If you are not posting in an effort to help the victim find his attacker, watching it and commenting about what an ass-beating it was won't help stop the violence in our world.  It only serves to promote violence as a form of entertainment.  Do we really not have enough to do that we have to Google "shocking fights" to be entertained???  (For another quick post related to this particular topic, click here.)

Moving on...

I have always felt bad for the unknowing person in line in front of you at the post office who bends over to pick up a package while you snap a quick photo of their butt crack. These people are VICTIMS...and this is just plain mean and hurtful to do. Think about it. How would you feel if you came across a pic YOU DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED that was being viewed and insulted by millions of strangers?  Not embarrassed by your butt crack?  Ok, sure, we all have butts, and even I can see the humor in some silly plumber jokes. But what about this? How would you feel if you came across a picture of yourself with a tampon leaking or a diarrhea stain on your pants or completely hung over and half your clothes off? That happens ALL THE TIME. Teenagers snap pics of their drunk and passed out friends, naked or swimming in their own vomit, and they share them and post them and next thing ya know they end up on some "20 most shocking drunk teens" slideshow. Maybe not, but do you think a teen can EVER recover socially after something like that? Especially if they were already in trouble and heading towards addiction? In order to convince our children not to post those things, we have to stop sharing and liking and prolonging those posts in the first place. Most kids who do crazy stuff in their teens or in college outgrow it at some point, and they don't need video or photo documentation of their most embarrassing moments from their youth.

These days we often see and hear about people paying it forward, like buying Starbucks for the car behind you in the drive-thru, paying for someone's meal anonymously, bringing groceries to a family in need, or leaving the big tip for the struggling waitress. While these are all random acts of kindness that we can measure and understand as valuable, they leave physical evidence of their occurrence, but most people don't do these things to be recognized! They do it from the kindness in their hearts with the hopes they can provide a sense of self worth to the recipient, reminding them that someone truly cares about them in this world. If you believe in doing something nice for someone and not needing anything in return or recognition, then please apply that same idea to social media posts of some of the things I've mentioned in this blog. By not publicly sharing/liking/commenting on a less than classy video or picture of someone, or even more importantly, something with a child that is inappropriate or disturbing, you are declaring "the buck stops here!" I believe you would be performing a most valuable random act of kindness, truly a good deed, by putting out the fire before it spreads even further. Take responsibility for your social media footprint. No physical evidence needed. In fact, the less people it reaches, the better! Social media has so many amazing benefits...from marketing to keeping in touch with family to job hunting and recipe sharing...but ruining people's lives is not one of them. You don't have to solve the world's problems to be part of the solution. Just be kind and helpful and do unto others as you would have done to you...even on Facebook.  

Apples and Trees, Apples and Trees

The Calm Before the Storm that Erupted
Tonight that Inspired this Post

My last post was back in January, and ironically, it was "I Will Love Your Highlight Reel," with the theme of being genuinely happy for vs. resentful towards those we love when they share the joy in their own lives.  Well, today's post is a little different. My own personal highlight reel has hit a scratch in the film, and I. Just. Can't. Stay in the joy.  Most of my everyday posts on Social Media are happy-go-lucky rainbows and butterflies, mostly about my adorable children and our active, fun, loving family. But let's just be real.  Life is full of ups and downs, each day is full of ups and downs. Heck, sometimes a single moment is packed full of both ups and downs! I'm not hiding the downs from anyone; I'm just usually not taking pictures or thinking about my next Facebook post in the middle of TANTRUM HELL.  

Lucky Boy at White Water Last Week

Oh, is that what it's called, you ask? YES. Tantrum Hell is a real place. I know b/c I live there...but sometimes I get a temporary leave of absence from Tantrum Hell, and I get to hang out with these precious little people with the sweetest hearts and brightest smiles and the most adorable little laughs. And yes, these creatures can be so misleading with their manners and hugs and agreeable natures, but in those sunny, happy, blissful days, I forget about their screaming and fighting and whining and crying and disrespectful attitudes, and I start doing stuff I later regret...like buying them Slushies, taking them to movies, trips to Target, going to White Water, letting them stay up late or even sleep in my bed! Next thing ya know, they are evil again, and I am back in Tantrum Hell with 2 little devils.  

Yeah, I feel bad that I am referring to my beautiful angel blessings as "little devils," but don't judge too harshly.  I'm just using metaphors and imagery to get my point across.  I love my kids more and more with each passing hour, and my heart, although constantly broken, is full and thankful for them just the way they are.  But I am flawed, I tell ya!  I'm not perfect, and I don't plan on being perfect any time soon.  I'm not even aiming for perfect.  I'm shooting for survival!  To live another day!  To go to bed and wake up again all in one piece!  

I have a lot of self doubts.  I'll spare you the details of my emotional history, but let's just say, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanna be a good mom.  And to be fair to myself, I think in general I AM a good mom.  But I want to be exceptional.  I want my kids to think I am the best and MEAN IT. I want my husband to look at me in awe of all I can accomplish day in and day out, while still providing him with clean underwear and a home-cooked meal every night.  Umm, what's so funny? Oh yeah, that's right.  HE is the cook in our family, and his clean underwear are lost somewhere in the deep dark abyss that is "Laundry Mountain."

Ahem...I can promise you that Laundry Mountain is all clean, and I am great at ordering pizza online or hitting the Chik-Fil-A drive through, and I make THE best PB&J (#truth), but good parenting isn't defined by well-fed kids who smell like Bounce.  I'm just doing the best I can, and I bet you are too, and I think you're doing a great job, whoever you are, and I hope you think I'm doing a great job too b/c I need your support, and you need my support, and we can support each other and hug and cry and write loving comments on each other's status updates and...wait, where am I going with this?

Oh yeah, back to Tantrum Hell.  It can feel so lonely here.  I keep searching for a way out, but feeding the animals only makes them beg for more, and scolding just them makes them bite harder and bark louder.  I have days where I feel like no matter what I do, no one can see how hard I am trying, how much sweat goes into co-existing or how deflated I am when it is all over.  The hubs is a great man, but he too, is flawed, and ultimately, he is down here with me screaming "Earmuffs!" and rocking back and forth in the fetal position. Neither of us has control of the monsters who live among us.

Posing w/ "Baby Mike" & "Baby Mike-Dora"
When She Came to My Office
(When asked how she got those names she said,
"I found them from my internet!")

A few weeks ago I took my kids to work with me on a Friday.  It was Grandma's day to keep them, but she was out of town, and I didn't have a sitter lined up while she was gone. The day started out nicely. The kids looked cute and packed some toys and settled into the office with paper and highlighters supplied by my very kid-friendly boss, who happens to share her office with me. Jack had his iTouch, and he kept himself mostly entertained with that while Lander wandered around and played with her baby dolls.  But then it happened. The iTouch battery died. That was the beginning of the end. Without the iTouch, Jack became increasingly bored, and with his boredom came whining, and whining was distraction from my work, which made me nervous and stressed out b/c Lander was being so good, and I knew she could only handle so much before her own crazy switch flipped on, and then what would I do?!?! Boss lady to the rescue!  She started playing some music videos for the kids, and they love music and she even took their requests.  One such request was for a song that is not always kid appropriate, so I asked her to find the G-rated version of it.  Oh. Em. Gee.  You would have thought I had just asked her to pull his nose hairs out one by one with tweezers by the way he freaked when she switched to the audio-only "clean" version of Iggy Azalea's "Fancy!" This raging lunatic was flailing about in our crowded little quarters and even ducked himself under my desk to cry it out while I, humiliated beyond belief, tried desperately to keep my voice at a non-yelling volume as I told him all the consequences in his future if he didn't stop being insane.  Boss lady left about a half hour later, and the incident, combined with 6 potty breaks, multiple snack requests, and a super heavy workload, made my time there more extensive, turning an intended 2 hours into a LONG 5 or 6.  Back to Tantrum Hell.  

This is the 2nd time the iTouch has been taken away for an indefinite long-term amount of time.  I had hoped Jack's behavior would be good enough over the summer with all the extra down time to relax and just play that he wouldn't lose his cool so easily, but he is his mother's (and father's!) child, and the apple doesn't fall far from the trees.  He is cursed with an emotionally charged personality, and I know we will spend his entire childhood, teen years and early 20s trying to help him temper that and seeking ways to channel his negative energy into positive activities and interests.  That's why we feel like baseball and BMX and physical activities are good for him, and not things to take away or barter as consequences.  The iTouch is a privilege that requires maturity and responsibility, and if he isn't behaving maturely or responsibly, then he loses access to that privilege.  Seems like a simple action/consequence method, but no, there are so many layers woven into every parental decision. The article that says you should never yell at your kids, the open letters to all the moms in Target, the guilt of working all day and not being fully present when with the kids, the wrong advice from well-meaning or over-judging friends, the I-want-us-all-to-get-a-full-night-of-sleep-so-let's-all-sleep-together plans, we've-had-pizza-or-spaghettios-5-nights-this-week, using TV for a babysitter while working from home, "Mommy, put your phone down!" "Daddy, play with me!" the sudden high fever, the over-abundance of poop, the "you're already enough" posts, the confusion and psychosis of PMS, the bills, the bills, the BILLS, and then "you're the best mommy in the world and I love you!" How can someone process that much with each parenting decision and be expected to make the right choice every time?  I don't think we can.  I know I can't.  I'm constantly fighting off my own internal tantrum, and sometimes it makes its way out anyway, and I scream at the kids or put them in timeout just so I can have a break from them, or spank them when I really didn't want to resort to that, but I felt like NOTHING ELSE was working.   

The McQ Zoo on My Birthday - 6/30/15

I'm pretty sure I created Tantrum Hell. The rest of The McQ Zoo is only there b/c they want to be close to me.  It is in my own head, my own demons, my own stress, my own unrealistic expectations of myself, and I must be projecting all of that onto my kids and the hubs.  

I need to relive my highlight reel.  I need to study it, find out what those moments are made up of, try to focus on the common denominators and take a permanent leave of absence from Tantrum Hell.  

I'm gonna go kiss those little devils goodnight now and thank the Good Lord that they are mine.     

  

I Will Love Your Highlight Reel

If we are really friends, I want you to be happy.  I am interested in your life.  I enjoy your joy.  I am sad at your pain, and I am sorry if I hurt you.  If we are really friends, I can tell you when I'm jealous of something in your life...b/c that jealousy is honest and raw and not meant to make you feel bad, but rather to make you see how special that something in your life really is, so much in fact, that I, your friend, would want it too. If we are really friends, you can tell me when you don't like your kids and I won't think you're a terrible parent, but instead I will relate to you and feel less alone in my own parenting struggles.  If we are really friends, we will have inside jokes that are just between us.  If we are really friends, I will like and comment on your Facebook and Instagram posts b/c I truly love following you, whether we hang out all the time or never at all.

If we are really friends, I will love your highlight reel.

Let's be honest here.  Many of us have lots of "friends" on social media who are really just acquaintances from our past.  Sure, we are friendly with each other.  We genuinely care about one another.  We may even reach out beyond our regular circle to have lunch and catch up with some of these people.  We may even be touched or affected by a random someone's "like" or comment on our post.

But, mostly when we post, or at least when I post, it is intended for those who are closest to us. When I post a picture, video or status update on Facebook, it is b/c I want my closest friends, family and extended family to know what is going on in my life, and posting on Social Media is an easy way to kill multiple birds with one stone.  If I take my kids on an awesome adventure, I am going to post about it b/c I want to share that fun with the people who love us.  When I post about a challenge or struggle, it is b/c I believe people who care about me will be able to relate or offer some advice, grace, acceptance, compassion, etc.  I don't expect all of my random acquaintances to notice everything I post, be it my highlight reel or not.

I know Taylor Swift says to "shake it off," but I'm tired of the haters.  Seriously people.  I see/hear so many complaints that Facebook is everyone's highlight reel.  Well, so what? With all that is negative in the world, why can't we find joy in other people's happiness? Probably the thing I hear the most about is when people post pictures from an amazing vacation.  They must be so lucky to have all that time off!  That sure is an expensive trip! Must be nice to able to wear that bathing suit.  The list goes on.

If we really are friends, I want you to go on amazing vacations.  I want you to have time off to spend with your loved ones doing what makes you happy.  I want you to be financially comfortable.  I want you to strut your stuff if you want to.  And if we really are friends, I want to know all about it b/c I'm interested in your life.  I love to see you happy.  I enjoy your joy.

And who decided you have to air out all your dirty laundry online???  Nobody has to share anything they don't want the whole world to know.  Once it is out there in Cyberspace, you can't take it back. There is no rule that says we have to balance all our joyful posts with depressing ones!  If you need a lift from some people who love you and you want a one-stop-shop for support, then social media is a great resource for that.  Lots of love right to your Notifications and News Feed.  If you are dealing with a more private situation and prefer to seek your support the old fashioned way or just from a select few, you can pick up your phone and use it as an actual phone, or you can edit your privacy settings or post to a specific group.

My point is this: I would love it if more people would enjoy each other's highlight reels on Social Media. If you really are friends, be happy for each other's joy.  And if you are just random acquaintances, then be grateful for some positive in this oh so negative world.  You don't have to be insecure about yourself just b/c someone else isn't broadcasting all their behind-the-scenes drama. You never know what someone else's journey entails...

End of rant.

I'm "That Mom" - Sports Edition; What Kind Are You?

This one has been building up inside me just waiting to boil over...

By now most of my readers know The McQ Zoo is a sports oriented family.  We all race BMX together, and our son wants to play everything else out there.  Baby Girl wants to do whatever her big bro is doing.  Mr. McQ comes from a long line of athletically talented family members, while I, on the other hand, contribute very little genetically to our offspring in the form of physical skills, but I'VE. GOT. HEART.  And folks, that's enough!

What I call "heart" equates to passion, perseverance, team spirit, encouragement, drive, dedication, and commitment.  I'm into it ALL THE WAY, every game, race, practice, etc.  I show up with my water bottle, focused, my butt in gear and ready to play!  But wait!  I'm not the coach?  I'm not the baseball player?  Sure, I might race every now and then, but let's face it, I'm not fast.  So why then?

Because I'm "That Mom."

Sometimes "That Mom" gets a bad wrap.   She is often misunderstood to be obsessed or controlling or too hovering...but before you judge me, let me tell you what I think of "That Mom" - Sports Edition.

"That Mom" always has her kid's best interests at heart.  She wants her kid to win, but more than anything, she wants her kid to believe he CAN win.  She shows up b/c being there is more important than anything else she has to do.  She cheers loudly, maybe even obnoxiously, b/c her kid would notice if she didn't and wonder if she was okay.  She corrects and instructs, and guides and lectures, all firmly and seriously b/c she knows her kid can handle it.  SHE KEEPS SCORE!  She tells him when he has done great, and she encourages him when he could do better.  She tells him there are more important things than winning, but she admits that winning makes it more fun!  She signs up to bring snack and she helps out the coaches, and she throws herself into the mix b/c she enjoys it, and she LOVES being a part of it WITH her kid.  She gets involved, meets people, asks questions, finds out how things work, so she can explain it to her family and teach them the rules.  She may not be a coach this time, but she has been there before, and she will be again.  She speaks up, takes chances, makes phone calls and sends emails to organize teams and make sure her kid gets to play b/c HE LOVES TO PLAY...and she loves him.

That "That Mom" is ME.  I'm super proud of the role I play in our sports family.  When Jack was a 3YO I spent weeks trying to find a 3YO t-ball league, and I finally found one almost 40 minutes away in rush hour traffic with practices on Monday nights at 5PM.  I didn't love the coaching of that one, so Mr. McQ and I decided to coach his next team together so that we could actually work on teaching skills and fundamentals to 3 and 4YOs. Volunteering to coach is a HUGE time commitment, but it was worth every minute.  The next spring I took Jack to a BMX clinic and coaxed him into his first race, against his will, yes, but totally knowing he could do it, and now he is #4 in the state in his age/class in his FIRST year of BMX racing.  His next t-ball team was awesome and embraced me inserting myself so kindly, that I reached out to the coaches after the season was over to find a way to keep the team together for their first season of real baseball.  Here we are now, with the same coaches and 6 of the original team, arguably the best team in Shetland 5U.  And just tonight I pleaded with the YMCA sports coordinator to accept Jack into a 6-7YO Basketball league since the Kindergarten one at Mt. Bethel was all full, and yes, I was able to convince them to let him "play up."

These are the kinds of things that "That Mom" does.  Maybe not the "That Mom" that you are or the "That Mom" that she is, but the"That Mom" that I am is exactly the "That Mom" above.

Ultimately, all moms are "That Mom" behind the scenes.  We all have our areas of expertise and things we like to contribute to the most, and we all shuffle our kids to and from and everywhere in between.  We stay up late for homework and skip baths and eat McDonald's and Chik-Fil-A way too often.  We wash uniforms in the middle of the night and buy new cleats on the way to practice.  We pump up tires and pack up coolers, and we write check after check after check after check.  Then we cash in on the joy that is watching our kids PLAY.  We cheer from the sideline, or maybe from the finish line, and yes, I might cheer too loudly...but that's just the "That Mom" that I am.

And I promise, for my kids, not to change.

I also promise to teach my kids good sportsmanship.  I promise to genuinely congratulate their opponents, and I promise to treat each coach, player, participant and parent with respect.  I promise to fully understand and relay the message of winning isn't everything while also implementing the concept of practice to improve.  I promise to lead by example, be honest and truthful, and never allow cheating.  I promise to teach my kids about commitment and what it means to be a team player.  I promise to promote optimism and a positive attitude.  I promise to instill a sense of both pride and humility in them for their craft.  And ultimately, I promise to learn about what they love, b/c I love them.

And being "That Mom" in sports works for me.  It works for us.  I've tried to be "That Mom" in other areas, like crafting or event planning, but there are way better suited "That Moms" out there for that, and I'm grateful to them.  Being any kind of mom is hard; we all wear so many hats, but I feel most comfortable in my element as "That Mom" - Sports Edition.

Being called "That Mom" is often not meant as a compliment.  The jokes can be hurtful and imply that "That Mom" is over the top, trying too hard or even attention-seeking, but more often than not, if you think someone is "That Mom" it is b/c you noticed them ENJOYING whatever element in which they are most comfortable.  The next time someone jokes about being "That Mom," take a minute to find out exactly what kind of "That Mom" she is...and then tell her what kind of "That Mom" you are!

Because we all have it in us to be "That Mom."

I Just Don't Understand

I just watched a video of a young man (if you can call him that) holding a dog from behind by his back legs and kicking him repeatedly in the stomach and ribs, then beating him over and over again while the  dog yelped and cried out in pain throughout this horrendous torture. Finally the dog wiggled free and took off running. The person recording, those standing idly by and the horrible one who performed this heinous act are sick and twisted. There are no words to adequately describe these people. I'm embarrassed to be part of a society that so cruelly disregards life, be it human or otherwise. 

I. Just. Don't. Understand. 

This is not the first time I've watched a disturbing video and felt sick to my stomach, angry to have come across it in the first place, but unable to ignore it. The victim in this one just happened to be an innocent dog, but sadly, I've seen similar videos of humans beating up defenseless humans. I'm not talking about a UFC fight with two consenting adults bashing each other's brains in by choice. I'm talking about the McDonald's employee who decided pulverizing another woman in front of her toddler was a good idea and threatening to kick him too when he tried to defend his mother. I'm talking about the kids who take bullying to a level so awful that the bullied would rather kill themselves than endure any more torture. I'm talking about the every day ordinary average Joe who watches dogs or chickens or tigers or children fight each other - often to death - and enjoys it.

I. Just. Don't. Understand. 

There is pain and suffering and natural selection and sickness and death all over this world. It is all in God's hands.  Why do we have to go and contribute to it by adding more unnecessarily?  I'm certain that God's plan doesn't entail some asshole human beating the ever-living crapola out of a poor puppy.  God doesn't demand that we hurt or kill or destroy anyone or anything. I don't need to quote a bible verse or scripture to know that. It's natural law. Seriously.

I'm not well-versed in politics, and I am not a big fan of war, however, I see the need for military defense and I am so grateful to those who risk their lives to protect our freedoms and keep us safe...but the violence as a result of defending a country is not the same as the senseless violence of cowards who think it funny to see another innocent life suffering. 

I. Just. Don't. Understand. 

I'm not even scratching the surface of all the disturbia that exists in this world. I'm barely shedding enough light on the specific cases I've personally seen. I'm just saying I don't understand any of it. 

People, there is nothing funny about another life suffering. Period. 

On What Dan Wrote...

This post is inspired by Single Dad Laughing's post, which can be found here: http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/you-just-broke-your-child.html.  My post is just another take on a similar experience.  I personally  enjoy Dan's blog, and I often agree with much of what he writes.

Once I saw a VERY TINY little girl, maybe 2 years old, mistreated in a Kohl's shopping center parking lot. I watched her run out of the store happily and very quickly. Her mother reached out and grabbed her by the arm, yanking her off the ground and smacked her on the bum/back of her legs yelling "I told you not to run out into the road!"  The little girl yelped and started to cry and as they made their way to their car, the mother screamed at her "Shut up! Shut up!" over and over again. Turns out I was parked directly across from them, and I sat in my car and watched as she threw and forcefully buckled that baby into her car seat. I got out of my car, and after the mother had closed her daughter's door, I DID speak up. I said something along the lines of "mam, you need to calm down, she doesn't deserve to be talked to like that..." The woman GLARED at me and said something I didn't catch under her breath, and I continued to walk into the store...but not without noticing this woman UNFASTENING her child.  About 2-3 minutes later she had FOLLOWED me inside...where she proceeded to yell at me, accuse me of being racist, swear at me, and shout many more horribly unpleasant comments about how "yall people" don't know how to raise children.  I was in line with a return. The store associate was afraid and called a manager. Other customers were trying to calm the woman down; a grandmotherly type even approached her with open arms to take the baby.  The entire time she was flying off the handle, she was holding her daughter who was scared and crying. I did not engage with her other than to say (paraphrased) I apologize for not minding my own business, but I felt sorry for her daughter and it was a gut reaction to what I saw. Most of the people in the store were her race, not mine, but they all seemed to be concerned for me, and several people remarked this (clearly) has nothing to do with race and even apologized to me!  Management escorted her out and made sure she left the premises and then asked me to move my car to a different spot, having Security walk me to the parking lot in case she was still out there. Then they gave me a discount on my purchase b/c I was evidently shaken up by the whole thing. Anyway, I told this story to my closest friends later...some of them were not surprised I said anything, but a few of them took a different approach, saying I could have handled it as a "teaching moment" and offered the lady some help or even just a sympathetic comment like, "looks like you are having a rough day; is there anything I can do for you?" At the time I didn't get it...but I thought about that day for quite awhile after it happened. Ultimately I decided this: the woman must have told her daughter NOT to run into the street, but the little girl DID anyway. The mother reacted out of fear for her child's safety and frustration from an already challenging shopping trip. Whether her reaction was overkill or not, it was probably not MY place to judge her, and if I'd been in the same position, I would have been furious at someone who butted in the way I did. I, however, would have chosen a different way of handling the situation that neither involved physical force or the phrase "shut up," but hey, to each her own...and I would never have a public fight with a stranger in front of my child...

As a mom myself, I have been in Target on more than one occasion with my 4YO son having a complete and total MELTDOWN in the checkout line over not getting a toy or something from the $1 bin or even just a pack of TicTacs! I have had to scold him for touching things or running off after I'd asked him not to SO MANY times. I've had to enforce a consequence (you lost the privilege of getting an ICEE on the way out b/c of your behavior), and endure the screams and stomping and even the angry little fists beating into my sides, BEGGING me for that stupid ICEE, and I've felt the sting of onlookers passing judgement, making assumptions and shaking their heads at me in those most embarrassing and vulnerable moments.  But the hardest part for me isn't the worrying about what those people think; it is the trying to get my child to learn appropriate behaviors!  I do not care one iota what some random person takes away from an encounter with me and my temporarily demon spawn!  Rather, I care about what message caving in will send said demon spawn about me as a parent or him as a child. The reality is I'm not going to reward bad behavior.  My kid throws a tantrum, he gets nothing.  He throws a bigger tantrum about getting nothing, he still gets nothing, and he may get an additional consequence.  He doesn't like said consequence, well too bad.  If this interaction consists of several harsh statements out of my mouth to my child, well, it happens.  He isn't broken.  Trust me.  

I've watched my demon spawn transform into an angel when he thinks he is going to get something he wants.  We may have pinkie-sworn in the car before going in that he would not ask for a toy or a treat this time; we are going in just for cat food, or we have to pick out a birthday present for a friend, or oh my goodness, this is our third time here in 2 days b/c I keep having to leave in the middle of a tantrum!  It doesn't matter.  Inevitably, he is going to ask me for something, and sometimes, most times, I am going to have to say the dreaded "no."  It would be worth the $1 bin item to prevent a tantrum...and I admit I have gone that route once or twice, but I absolutely CANNOT buy my kid a toy EVERY TIME we go to the store.  Period.  Not only do I not have enough money (the least of the reasons why), but I want to teach him principles like earning things and gratitude and patience and how about just some decent manners???  

So I have snapped at him.  I have grabbed him firmly by the arm and even squeezed his little cheeks between my thumb and fingers.  I've glared at him with evil eyes and steam coming out of my ears, my face red and the veins popping out of my neck.  And I've used my meanest mean-mommy voice to get my point across that "THIS IS NOT A JOKE! You better SHAPE UP, DUDE, or else you just wait til we get home!"

I have not said "shut up" to him.  I've never spanked him in public.  I have screamed at him with all my might when he has run out into the street before.  I was afraid then, that he would be hit by a car.  

At the time I called out the woman in the Kohl's parking lot, my son was about 9 months old.  He was my only child at the time, and regardless of my background as a nanny, things are MUCH different when the child is your own.  I'd yet to experience my baby walking and capable of running right into danger.  He was still in that "he can do no wrong" stage of of babyhood, you know, the one where he goes to slap your face and you gently catch his hand and chide "show mommy a gentle touch" over and over as you lead him to stroke your cheek instead.  To that point, the worst thing he'd gotten into was his own tube of Desitin he'd managed to grab during a routine diaper change.  He certainly had never run out into traffic!

Now he has.  And he has also dumped paint all over new carpet, intentionally, and he has broken toys that we warned were fragile.  He repeatedly jumps on the couch, despite our pleading for him not to, and let's not forget that he plays WAY too rough with his little sister, resulting once with her falling down half a flight of stairs.  He screams at the top of his lungs when he doesn't get his way, and almost every night there is a bedtime battle. He splashes so much in the bath that we worry about mold and water damage in the walls.  He demands to watch HIS shows on TV and FREAKS OUT if we switch to something we all might enjoy.  He whines and cries and he even throws tantrums in Target.

  

I'd be lying if I said I have never told him to leave me alone.  I'd be a fool to pretend I don't lose my temper when I've had more than my share of whining in one day.  I wouldn't claim to know how to handle every meltdown with grace and calmness.  The truth is I don't.  And I believe that is okay.  

Yep, I said it.  Sometimes it is okay to freak out on your kids.  Sometimes it is right to teach them a lesson with a threat of a consequence, or multiple consequences, or imposing complete and utter misery on their lives if they don't SHAPE UP.  On the rare occasion you've been to the bathroom by yourself more than once in a day, it might not be the best idea to tell your kids to leave you alone, but lordy-lordy, if you need them to leave you alone, by all means, TELL THEM.  You are a human being...with your own feelings and needs and thoughts and ideas and favorite TV shows and potty times.  Your children do not dictate your life, but you DO guide theirs!  Guide, not dictate, but if you have to pull out the (figurative) iron fist for a week to get things back in order, GO FOR IT!  And good luck to you!  I've been there, and I know you'll need it.  Both the luck and the iron fist...

But just so I'm clear...that same demon spawn is the most beautiful boy in the world.  His smile lights up my heart in a way that nothing else can, and angels sing in the sound of his laughter!  He is the sweetest little cuddle bug at night, and secretly I never want him to sleep in his own bed ALL the time.  I love to hug him and hold him and smother him in kisses and take little pretend bites out of his neck and inhale his little boy smell of sweat and peanut butter and hand-sanitizer.  I love to inspect him from head to toe and catch a first glimpse of a new freckle or a fresh boo-boo, and I feel like I can tell the moment he has grown even a millimeter taller than the day before.  I love his voice, and when he sings, I never want him to stop.  And we have the best conversations.  Just tonight we were driving along and he noticed the car in front of us had tail and brake lights that were shaped like eyes.  He wanted to count them, and so we did - there were 4, and then he said they were like laser blasters, and I laughed and told him how funny it was that he said that b/c the license plate on the car read "LAZRS" (it really did).  So the conversation moved on to Nerf guns and zombie strikers, and that is just how it goes.

I love him.  He and his sister are my greatest gifts. I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams with the most amazing son, and I would not trade all the tantrums and whining in the world for him to be anyone other than who he is.  And I am very lucky b/c I know he will learn how to control himself and behave appropriately and make good choices, and someday we will go to Target just for his friend's birthday present without a scene or incident, and that will be a great day that we buy an ICEE on the way out, a reward for his good behavior.  B/c that's how I roll.

To Dan, a "Single Dad Pleading," you are quite obviously a wonderful father, but I don't know you.  Nor do I know what your day was like before you got to Costco.  Just like I didn't know about the woman at Kohl's.  And I realize your piece wasn't directed at me b/c I'm a great mom and I know it.  I'm not disagreeing with your feelings or advice or sentiments or even your passion and "heatedness," which personally, I find to be an excellent quality in your writing.  And quite frankly, we all have instincts that tell us when something just doesn't seem right.  Maybe it was when the boy's face went "expressionless" that sealed the deal for you; maybe THAT was the moment you wrote the story in your mind of what you were witnessing.  That's what I did.  For me it was when the woman yanked the little girl up so hard I thought her shoulder would have dislocated. Instantly, I felt sad for that child.  I wanted to rescue her!  

But you know what?  Despite the fact that I think that mama was bat-shit crazy to follow me back into the store, her baby on her hip, and her mouth spouting off, she did 2 things that told me a different story from the one I wrote in my mind there in the parking lot. And maybe they were little things, not even on most people's radars, but I've combed through every detail of that experience and these 2 things changed my mind about her as a mama:

1. She brought her baby back in with her.  That means she took the time to take her baby out of her car seat, and she carried her back into the store.  That was a calculated move.  She didn't just run after me and leave her kid in the car.
2. She came in with the full intention of telling me to mind my own business (in much different words), and she made her point very clear.  Even though I don't agree with her approach, I don't doubt for one second her ability to protect what is hers. 

Maybe those 2 things don't make her parent of the year, but as I went over the story I wrote in my head, I noticed those details standing out more and more to me.  If she had not come back inside to tell me off, I would never have witnessed those 2 details.  If she had just smarted off to me in the parking lot and then gone on her way, I would have marched my self-righteous know-it-all-first-time-mama-self into the store feeling proud and triumphant, I sure told her, she'll think before she treats her kid that badly again, right?  At least in public?  Oh yeah, I would have been proud of myself.  I may have even started a conversation with someone in the returns line about this crazy lady I saw on my way into the store.  

But she did come in after me.  And she defended herself, quite well I might add.  And had she only said one thing to me - "butt out" - I would have thought a bit more highly of her, only b/c the scene she made was ridiculous, but I'll say it again, to each her own.  And when your kid runs out into the street, IT SCARES THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU.

And when your kid asks for an ICEE after behaving horribly all day, it might make you tell him to leave you alone and be quiet.  I'm just sayin'...

What I'm NOT saying is that your post isn't completely necessary or filled with relevant, seriously important stuff that ALL parents should work harder to remember.  B/c we should.  All of us.  We should all "take joy in everything that our kids are."  I agree 100%...except that unlike in The LEGO Movie (which I just took my son to tonight), everything [in life] isn't awesome.  Real life has real life moments.  Good ones and bad ones.  The bad ones don't destroy the joy...they help us to appreciate the joy even more...

That's all folks...







P.S. After I finished my post, I went back to SDL and noticed Dan's original post was written in 2010.  So I did some digging, and I found this anniversary post from 2011: http://www.danoah.com/2011/09/congratulations-you-just-broke-your-child-one-year-later.html.  Coincidentally, our experiences both took place in the same year, but my piece today is a reflection looking back as opposed to his, which was a reaction at the time it happened.  I think these 2 perspectives are different and complimentary, yet both really interesting and enlightening.  I especially love Dan's follow-up post b/c it gives a lot of insight as to why he was so impassioned at the time, of which I was unaware as I was writing my piece.  I'd like to thank you, Dan, for sharing your experience as well as your thoughts a year later, and while you were angry at yourself for "doing nothing," I've beaten myself up a million times for interfering. Ultimately, we both did what we thought was best at the time, and neither of us is any worse for it, but rather we both reflect more deeply and express much gratitude for what the experiences have taught us about ourselves...